Moving: Help this not be an anxiety trainwreck

[Dogwoodblossom]

It may actually be too late for this to not be an anxiety trainwreck, but hopefully someone will have suggestions or tips to mitigate it.

I have 2 toy poodles; a 12 year old named Amelie, and a 3 year old called Bertie. Amelie is spayed, old and lazy and pretty mellow but she has had some massive issues with separation anxiety in the past (those issues prompted me to learn about positive reinforcement in the first place). Bertie is un-neutered and very high strung.

My mother had Amelie from the time she was a puppy but gave her to me about 6 years ago. As a puppy my mother tried crate training her but not correctly. She just stuck her in a little crate when she was gone and Amelie didn't bark insanely the whole time she was in it but if there were any people around she would. She'd hear the car coming up the driveway and start up. Eventually my mom got a doggy door and then Amelie didn't have to be crated any more and it wasn't an issue until I took possession of her. I was sharing a house and Amelie was the only pet. I didn't want her loose in the house while I was gone so I tried to just leave her in my room but I guess the move across state triggered something because she would bark for hours. She would bark continuously for the entire time that I was gone. We did tests. So I found this forum and did research and worked with her and worked with her and we made some progress but then I had to move again and we had to start from scratch again. Eventually I moved into the house where I've lived the last 4 years and she never had a problem there at all.

I've had Bertie since he was a tiny puppy and I adore him. Which is good for him because almost nobody else likes him. I have some friends who do. They are the ones who listen to me when I tell them that being grabbed and hugged and patted on the head freaks him out. He has always been highly strung. When he was a puppy his initial reaction to every new stimulus was hysteria. We worked through that and now he is a very good problem solver and he loves to play games. But he is really attached to me and when he's not around me he's anxious. He is reactive around big dogs. I don't blame him much since he weighs 10 lbs and I try as best I can to keep him from being jumped on by enthusiastic labs. I can tell the difference between his freaked out barking and his enthusiastic excited barking, but nobody else can. He is also not particularly well house trained.

He did well as a puppy but 2 years ago I got a job that kept me away from home for a longer stretch of the day with no lunch break to come home and let them out. I tried for...pretty much for two years to get a better job but it didn't happen. I got really depressed, I would be gone long hours at work and come home too tired to do anything. I let a lot of stuff slide that I shouldn't have. A couple months ago I decided that I had to get away because everything was so miserable. So I asked a good friend of mine who is incredibly sweet and generous if she would take the dogs while I made a desperate bid for freedom. I left the dogs with her while I threw some stuff into a bag and went to a new city in a new state to stay with another friend while I tried to find a job and a place to live.

It's taken about a month but I have found a new job with much better hours, and a place to live (as of the first) and I am so so sooo much happier here. But my friend now understandably wants to get on with her summer. My mother has agreed to take and keep the dogs just a couple more weeks until I can come back for them and get my other stuff out of storage. I trust my friend implicitly with my dogs. I know that she likes them and treats them like her own when she keeps them. My mother... I'm not afraid she'll hurt them or anything but my stepdad does not like Bertie and the feeling is mutual. My stepdad thinks he knows everything about dogs and is very much an "old school" trainer (he's a retired K9 handler) and he's a large part of the reason why Bertie is fearful around strangers. My stepdad would grab him and hold him down and freak him out. Also he thinks it's funny to scare dogs with silly pranks. His own dog/s do not mind and realize it's play but Bertie is not the kind of dog to enjoy that kind of game. Anyway, my mother does not want to have to deal with Bertie's marking and she is worried that it will ruin my new house share situation and any chance for my future happiness.

She has offered to get him neutered. Part of the reason I haven't had it done already is that he's always been so nervous I worry that the drop in testosterone will freak him out more. Also I am really really uncomfortable with the idea that I should "fix" his personality with surgery. His personality is fine. I think it's doubtful at this age that it'll impact his marking. In any case I need to go back to square one with potty training. I was thinking I'd try crate training him at the new house. Mother thinks neutering might mellow him out and make him less "high energy." I like him as he is but it might be a good idea if it helped him be less fearful in the long run. As it is I am very nervous about allowing it to happen away from me when he is in a place where I know he is unwelcome. I am afraid that the separation alone will prove to be a recipe for disaster, but it was the only way I could make this move happen and improve all our lives. Mother is going to try out a belly band on him which I am very skeptical about but I am allowing because I can't really say no from over here and I don't want to be too demanding or ungrateful.

Sorry this is so long. I would like opinions re: neutering, and also any suggestions for integrating my dogs into a new household in a new city and mitigating any initial freakouts. To get the dogs here I'm going to have to take 3 days off work, take the train back to my old town, spend the next day packing up the household and then drive my stuff and the dogs to the new place the next day. I can't afford to take any more time off so I'll likely have to go to work the next day. I frankly can't think of a worse plan but it's the only one I've got. I'm hoping I'll be able to keep both dogs confined to my room without insane barking. At least they aren't destructive.

[Nettle]

Oh dear, poor you.

Damage limitation - look for a boarding kennels near your new home and move your dogs there (negotiate a good deal for a long-term stay ). Choose one where you can visit, spend time with them, take them for walks etc. and make sure the dgs have kennels, runs and an exercise paddock, not one of these places where they are kept together in a compound or else crated. Do not move the dogs straight to your new home - which I believe you are sharing with others - straight away. Your boy WILL mark because he is very insecure and has had a really unsettling time. Dogs marking is the quickest way I know for people to fall out in a household situation, and constant barking is the next quickest. In professional kennels, none of this will be an issue.

Equip yourself with a crate for your boy, assuming no issues at all with the older dog. Also get Adaptil diffusers, and research Bach flower remedies for those which deal with change of circumstances (Walnut for instance) and anxiety. If you can also get Dorwest Herbs' Scullcap and Valerian I do recommend it for SHORT TERM use once your dogs are home full-time with you.

While your dogs are in kennels, spend as much time training, walking and doing interactive things with them (check out our Exercise the Mind thread) and take them home on your days off but for a short time only. During this times, watch like two hawks and do not let your boy mark indoors at all. Use this time to crate-train him very slowly and kindly, and to accustom him to being left for short spells. Once you are settled with home, job and housemates, book some days off and have the dogs home for longer, but never give your boy the chance to mark indoors. This means being super vigilant. Days you don't feel up to it, don't have him home - take him out for a good walk and back to the kennels instead. If he never gets the chance to establish a marking habit in his new home it will be helpful.

You are so right that neutering now would make things a lot worse. Check out our threads on neutering. That dog needs all the confidence he can get.

This does mean money and it does mean time. See it as an investment. There are no cheap short cuts to helping your situation except for rehoming, and there is no need to do that as long as you are committed to helping your dogs.

[Dogwoodblossom]

Thank you so much! Fortunately I've moved to one of the dog friendliest cities on the planet so kennels are everywhere and I think I've found one close enough to walk to. I'll stop by after work today and find out what their facilities are like. They're a daycare place and I do not want either of the poodles out with other dogs. They would both be miserable.

I feel much less panicky now and much less like I am powerless while my dogs are being set up for failure. What you have outlined is a sound plan and I think I can swing it financially.

[Nettle]

I'm so pleased to have been of help, and you are a wonderful dog owner for wanting to help your dogs so much.

[Dogwoodblossom]

Just thought I'd post an update. We've been together in the new house for a week and it's going very smoothly which I mostly attribute to the hormone diffuser. Stress levels are much lower than I was expecting.

The poodles have been getting loaded puzzle toys before I go to work and I think Amelie probably just sleeps most of the time. I tire Bertie out with the chuck it in our new big back yard in the mornings. Both dogs have been very calm on walks. This house is old and the walls are thin and we are in a busy neighborhood and there is just a lot of background noise. The floors/walls creak, people walking outside sound as loud as if they were in the room with you and the dogs have adjusted to that very quickly as well.

The only thing I'm a little worried about right now is Bertie's stress level when I'm away. I was worried about hysterical barking while I was gone, which hasn't happened (hallelujah) but instead he cries until I'm out of sight (I'm in hearing range much longer than sight range, it's only maybe 10 or 15 feet) and then sits on the chair that lets him see out the window for when I come back. All. Day.

Amelie does it too, but only when there's nothing else going on. If there are other people in the house (particularly if they have food) she will go hang out with them. I don't worry about her not relaxing. But today I got home and my landlord was having a bbq and one of the guests told me with slightly hurt feelings that Bertie had not moved from the chair the entire time they'd been there. It makes a cute anecdote that The Puppy is so devoted to me, but it can't be good for his stress levels.

Is this a problem that's likely to solve itself with more time? At our old house Bertie didn't pine constantly whenever I was away, he played with his toys and got into junk and took naps. He's always been very much a mama's boy though. He's skittish of new people and usually hides behind me (mostly because historically new people don't listen to me when I tell them his boundaries and then I have to take steps to protect him). It's good that he trusts me so implicitly, and there are a few other people who he trusts enough to relax around (people who followed my gd instructions, it's not like they're hard! Not that I'm bitter!) but they all took a long time.

I guess is there something else I can do to relive his stress a bit? He's always been highly strung but he's extra tense these days (and understandably so, since the last few months have been really extra stressful). And anything in the longer term to get him to relax around strangers (or just acquaintances who aren't super frequent visitors) in a way that doesn't also enforce my role as his Sole Protector? I know the "have strangers lure dog with treats" thing can backfire pretty spectacularly, but what if I had them toss him treats? Or popcorn a few onto the floor for a reward and distraction?