anxiety and fear of men

[SMH48025]

My family rescued a 3-4 year-old black lab named Chloe a few days ago. She has warmed up to my mom and myself but is severely afraid of my dad. Whenever he is in the house she runs upstairs to her bed and refuses to move, even for food or to be taken outside. When he approaches her she allows him to pet her but is very, very nervous. She will not accept food from him and has extremely high levels of anxiety whenever he is near her, or even in the house. She also has the annoying habit of urinating in the house even if she has just been outside. We have been trying positive reinforcement, but she doesnt seem to respond to any commands. Chloe is very sweet and I don't want to have to re-home her but my dad is getting frustrated and discouraged by her constant fear of men. How can we ease her anxiety toward men?

[OnceInAWeil]

It can be very disheartening and frustrating when your dog is fearful and can't be around you. Try to explain to your dad that you've only had Chloe a few days, so she is extremely new to the household and just trying to process what is happening. If you were moved from what you saw as your home--and everything else you knew--into a completely different situation, it would take a long time to adjust even if the new place was a nice one. Right now she just needs time to decompress, acclimate to her new surroundings and family members, and get into the routine. Give her a safe, private place she can go to relax, and make a rule that nobody bothers her when she is there.

Things your dad can do to help Chloe get used to him:

-Put Chloe on set meal times. Two to three meals a day, given in a quiet room or crate away from the rest of the family (not shut in the room, but given space). Have your dad prepare the meals and put them in the room for Chloe to go get once he has left that part of the house.

-Completely ignore Chloe. Right now, she sounds like she is extremely timid. For dogs like this, even eye contact can be intimidating, so ask him not to look at or talk to her. Also ask him not to approach her, especially not in a direct line. This won't have to be forever, but it will be essential to helping earn her trust in the beginning.

-If your dad has a loud or deep voice, ask him to soften it around Chloe.

-If Chloe is in the room, your dad can gently toss very high-value food (like pieces of lunch meat) for her. He should not lure her close with the food; right now being that close is too scary for her. Just have him toss it a distance so that she can eat it without being worried about proximity.


Others will have more to add

[mansbestfriend]

Just my opinion and personal experience - My dog acted like she would eat my brother-in-law at their first meeting. She (Kelly dog) became more comfortable though after asking sister and BIL to completely ignore my dog (zero eye contact and especially no sustained eye contact, no "bad dog" or similar orders, no petting or even reaching towards her at first). I'm sure it wasn't the warm and fuzzy experience that maybe they'd hoped for, but the 'rules' were in everyone's best interest at the time. Given time and space, and some well-timed treats, they now all happily interact but still respect each other's personal space.

[jacksdad]

My family rescued a 3-4 year-old black lab named Chloe a few days ago.

This is a big clue as OnceInAWeil touched on. even a non fearful/timid dog can take several weeks to several months to completely relax in their new home. I think the first thing everyone needs to do is slow down and adjust their expectations.

She has warmed up to my mom and myself but is severely afraid of my dad.

The first thing to ask is "what is your dad doing different than your mom and your self? You could have the cooliest, kindest, gentlest father in the world, animal lover since the day he arrived in this world etc, etc... none of that really matters, he could still be doing something that scares Chloe. Even if it not intentional. Some examples of thing he could be doing without thinking....

loud voice
deep voice
walking very stiff and purposefully (which could be just how someone walks)
does have a beard?
does he bend over Chloe, or crouch down.
is he "square" to Chloe, or turned away from her
does he expect (without thinking) that she likes rough play
does he pat her hard when he "pets", again without thinking because in the past some other dog seemed to love it
does he try and touch her on or near the head
make direct eye contact

just a few things, there could be others, and whatever it is... doesn't mean he is doing it on purpose. A little "detective" work and observation might help. But your dag will have to be willing to adjust a bit for Chloe to help her feel safe/comfortable with him.

Whenever he is in the house she runs upstairs to her bed and refuses to move, even for food or to be taken outside.

if she feels safe in her bed, I would strongly suggest the new rule is "Chloe on bed = ignore Chloe". this won't be forever, but for now if that is where she feels safe, give that to her. Fearful/timid/anxious dogs, the MOST important thing is for them to feel safe. They can't make progress, they can't over come their fears if they don't feel safe.

When he approaches her she allows him to pet her but is very, very nervous.

For now, as already suggested, I would stop this. for now dad just ignores Chloe. If he has to pass her in the house, try and give her space. as much as possible. this is simply helping her to feel safe, NOTHING more.

She also has the annoying habit of urinating in the house even if she has just been outside.

First, when she is outside, are you sure she is going to the bathroom outside? some people just open the back door to their fenced backyard and just assume their dog went to the bathroom. Then are "shocked" when the dog goes in the house seconds/minutes later.

There are a couple reasons for why a dog will go in the house beyond simply not being house trained. First is their fear/timidness/anxiety/stress etc it too high outside. for dogs, squatting and going to the bathroom is a pretty vulnerable position. They won't do it if they aren't feeling safe. in the house is safer than out side, so the dog "holds it" until they are back in side. The second, its Chloe trying to appease your father (aka don't hurt me. Again your father may not have any intention to do harm, this is all about how the dog is viewing the world) OR simply scared enough she looses control.

If she is comfortable with you and or your mother, be sure that one of you goes out with her, make sure she did in fact go to the bathroom, give her SUPER yummy treat when she does, keep things calm and just be there with her. Stand close to her if that helps, OR stand a bit away from her if that helps. For my dog, acting as his "shield" from the world helped when he would go to the bathroom. Chloe may need some space or she may need you close. "Listen" to her.

Take her out often right now, no matter what the cause, empty bladders can't pee in the house, or pee very little.

Of course it could also be she has never been house trained, or simply needs a refresher now that she is in a new home. A common misconception is adult dogs once house trained are always house trained. not entirely true. Chloe doesn't yet see your home as her home, and she needs to know where to go to the bathroom in her new home. So, it is reasonable to expect that you may have to trainer her from scratch or give her a refresher course in where to go to the bathroom. for a bunch of great ideas and how to do that, see this thread here viewtopic.php?f=20&t=6125

We have been trying positive reinforcement, but she doesnt seem to respond to any commands.

Good for you using positive reinforcement. With a dog like Chloe this the ONLY way to go. Her not responding is a couple things. First, a dogs willingness to work with you depends heavily on the dog feeling safe, not stressed, not worried etc. Second, it takes awhile for a dog to learn and really know what we are asking for from training. For example, you are working on sit. in the 5 minute session Chloe achieves butt on the ground, but that may not mean she "KNOWS" sit. sometimes dogs look successful in the training session, but they were simply guessing at what we are asking and are still trying to figure it out. So, two things...make that three... for a dog you describe as having "gotten a few days ago", assume she know no "commands". Slow things down and focus on helping her feel safe in her new home. when you do train, take it from the very beginning and teach her as if she has never, ever learned what sit means. And only say/think/feel she "KNOWS" sit when you are willing to bet $20 she will sit anytime you ask her once to sit.

Chloe is very sweet and I don't want to have to re-home her but my dad is getting frustrated and discouraged by her constant fear of men. How can we ease her anxiety toward men?

While it is possible you may not be the right home for Chloe, give it just a little longer. try some of the suggestions. Re homing a dog like Chloe is tricky business. If she is natural a timid/fearful dog, odds are she will end up back at a shelter or rescue and those environments really compound the problem. Finding someone to take on a fearful dog is not easy. You could be Chloe's best shot a good life.

it is entirely possible that Chloe just needs to have a few weeks to settle in, some time, patients, space, and some understanding.

I have a fearful dog, the dog he is today is nothing like the dog he was when I got him. We go and do things, he is excited to see a ever growing number of people, his ability to deal with other dogs is constantly improving to the point he is giving other fearful dogs some positive experiences, neighbors comment on the changes etc, etc. I wouldn't trade any of this for anything. you can do this, you can help Chloe, just slow things down, help her to feel safe.