petting a shy dog

[ladybug1802]

But WHY is it so important to you for other people, that you wont evr see again, to pet her??? Agility/obedience classes will help her confidence, but if you are still allowing strange people to touch her when she isnt ready she will never have the opporuntity to improve. It is like you saying to someone you dont like being hugged at all, and then every single person you meert, despite you saying you dont like it and dont want them to, trying to give you a big bear hug. You woudlnt like it. I really find this very sad to hear your attitude to your dog. As somoene who owns a fear reactive dogs, who started off much worse than your dog, I cant imagine ever feeing like I would want to getrid of him just because strangers cant stroke him.

[runlikethewind]

In addition to the above, I would also urge you to stop comparing your dog to other people's dogs. Not all dogs are the same and their dogs are most likely to have shortfalls as well. Not every dog is perfect.

Are you decided on this matter then to give her up otherwise there is no other help we can give as we have offered to give you details of games and techniques etc.

What type of classes did you go to and what were the rewards?

[Sarah83]

I also find it sad that you'd consider rehoming your dog just because she doesn't like strangers mauling her. What if the dog you replace her with doesn't like it either? Why is it so important to you that your dog likes to be fussed by strangers? My collie could be quite aggressive with strangers who attempted to touch him yet he went practically everywhere with me and my friends without incident. Yes, it's nice having a dog who is people friendly to the point anyone can pet it but it's not the end of the world if a dog doesn't like it.

[Jack Monzon]

MPbandmom and Maz: Very useful posts. Thank you both!

I have a fearful/shy dog too, and it can be frustrating thinking that your dog would be better off in a different environment. I could be wrong, but I think that might be where cinnywatches is coming from, not completely a selfish desire for strangers to pet the dog.

The most frustrating thing is the comments from other people. "Was he abused?" "Wow, I've never seen a dog like that." So rude! Who would say that? I never would.

For me it's been a balancing act. I didn't want my dog fearful around humans, so I had to start challenging him somewhere, or he'd stay fearful his entire life. But you can't push him too quickly. That's the tough part. I recently took my dog to a herding class and through Beginner's Agility. He hated when the instructors held his leash, but he loved both activities otherwise. And most important, I can tell he grew from the experiences. The changes are subtle, but I can see improvement. By the last week of agility, he wasn't flattening out to the floor when the instructor had the leash. He was neutral. That to me is progress -- progress he wouldn't have reached if I'd refused to put him through the experience.

Cinny: I feel your frustration. I'm not "going everywhere" with my dog, as you say you are, so it's a bit easier. I live alone and my dog is 100% outgoing and "normal" (for lack of a better word) with me and on our daily off-leash walks, as long as no one is reaching for him. When I first adopted him, he wouldn't even walk outside and would freeze up whenever he saw another human. I know the warning signs now; I can spot when a child or even an adult is going to want to touch him, and I tell them no. He'll go up to people he knows and sniff their hand when they're not looking, which is a billion miles of progress from a year ago.

From my experience, my best advice is to focus on the victories you have had, and to find activities that you know your dog enjoys, especially if she can confront some of her fears along the way, as my dog did.

Also, runlikethewind: I know you didn't ask me, but I'd love to hear the games/techniques you've used to help your dog. Thanks!

[jacksdad]

...... I see other people with their dogs and there dogs are great.....

but you may not be seeing the whole picture just seeing a person for a few minutes/second out on a walk or running around on errands does not give a full picture. For all you know that dog suffers horrible separation anxiety or crippling fear of people with purple hats and sun glasses or..... Grass only appears greener on the other side of the fence sometimes.

There are some people that it is important your dog learns to be comfortable around. other family members, people you live with, maybe even neighbors, vets etc. And if your dog struggles with these people we can help and there are things you can do. BUT, to expect your dog to invite/want/look forward to just anyone touching him/her is not very realistic. even if you were to re home your existing dog and went and got another one, there is no guarantee that new dog would LOVE anyone and everyone anymore than your current dog does. Or maybe you do get a dog that just LOVES people, can't wait to say hi, get pets and belly rubs...but on the other hand flips out over other dogs. Or can't deal with being a lone. what then?

I wish my dog's biggest issue was simply not wanting to be touched by strangers. I think you should count your self lucky this is your biggest concern and accept your dog for who it is and what it has to offer. BELIEVE me I completely get the "I wish my dog was like other dogs", but despite all that I have had to and continue to have to work through and learn with my dog...I wouldn't change it for anything. even though that means I constantly evaluate can he deal with this strange dog coming towards us. Or constantly asking people to not try and pet him, or worrying that his separation issues could reappear because he isn't feeling healthy, which happens. Or worrying about how affected his liver might be by his epilepsy meds or why he keeps having intermittent diarrhea ....

grass may look greener...but is it?

[ladybug1802]

Very good point Jacksdad....I reckon most people would see me and Dylan and think we have no issues at all! He mostly walks along with me nicely, looks incredibly cute, is pretty well trained and mostof the time his 'issues' dont arise because I make sure they dont. But if those same people were to come to my house and come in they would see a different situation! Or if they casme to the vet with me. So as Jacksdad says.....just because other people's dogs 'seem normal' does not mean they dont other issues.

[cinnywatches]

yes, it is true people do say rude things about my dog and it is hurtful. I did everything right when the dog was a puppy but she was just shy. I would love to have people pet her but that is just a dream that will never happen

[chay]

yes, it is true people do say rude things about my dog and it is hurtful. I did everything right when the dog was a puppy but she was just shy. I would love to have people pet her but that is just a dream that will never happen

you know there is nothing *wrong* with your dog - so bugger what other people think! my dog is very uncertain around children (i'm almost certain her last family had kids who tormented her) so i get aaaaalll sorts of comments and glares when i yell at people to get their children away from my dog. at the end of the day, who's happiness is more important to you - your dog's, or some strangers?

the best thing i have found to say to anyone who says something rude to you about your dog's behavior -

"no, she's just a very good judge of character" - while walking away

[emmabeth]

It is hard when other peoples reactions to your dog are not favourable - I know this, people WANT to pet Errol, because hes cute and fluffywuffy and thus MUST love cuddles (and actually, he does, he ADORES physical contact IF he knows someone well!).... and then they ignore me and approach and he shouts at them and growls and they give me disgusted evil stares and tell me i have a nasty dog.... and that does hurt because hes NOT nasty, he doesnt like strangers taking liberties with him and hes got good reasons for that.

But hes MY dog, not theirs, I love him, he loves cuddles with me, but even if he didnt (and some of my dogs DONT love cuddles, one tolerates them a bit so i try not to take the mick, and one positively hates them and moves away and looks disgusted if i forget myself), that would be ok too.

My dog who HATES cuddles from me, probably is the most strongly bonded dog, to me, that I have - he HAS to be near me, he HAS to sit at my feet, he dislikes being away from me (he can cope, just, but he doesnt sleep properly if im gone), at 12 years old he HAS to come to the toilet with me still, just in case (er, in case i vanish through teh magical portal we have in there or something). This is not a dog who does not love me and want to be with me and want to work with me, he turns himself inside out at the sight of a clicker because he LOVES to do that with me - he just doesn't like cuddles.

YOur little dog only has YOU in her entire world, she trusts you and loves you and needs you - and you would really give her up because other people get annoyed that she doesnt want fuss from them???

[ladybug1802]

I have actually never had anyone say anything rude about Dylan....amazingly! If on the off chance Dylan is ahead of me and people appear (I tend to keep him to heel if I cant see round the corner now) I would often yell ahead at the people to totally ignore the tan dog. Most of the time they do, and sometimes people look at me as if i am mad, but then when I get nearer them i explain he is a rescue and is nervous of strange people, and i find people understand that and a lot of them are actually interested and feel sorry for him ajnd ask more about him. There have been a couple of people along time ago who thought they knew best and were going to try and touch him anyway, until I just said "I have asked u not to touch him....if you do he will bite" Now he probably wouldnt do now, but I dont want to take thatrisk and they certainly dont! I dont care what strangers think of me....at the end of the day I am protecting my dog from a) taking a step back in his training and b) being in a situation where he snaps at someone.

But I am of the same view as Emmabeth and most of the others on here....Dylan adores cuddles with me and other people he knows and trusts....he just loves it. He willingly goes over to people in my agility group for treats and strokes. The fact that strangers who i wont ever see again cant touch my dog really doesnt bother me an inch. Obviously the only time it does bother me is when the vet also cant get near him, but we are working on that! I really hope you dont mean you would give your dog up for this......people are too quick to give up dogs when they become an 'inconvenience'...yet can you imagine if people got their children adopted when they got fed up with them????!

[curiositee]

Wait...why is having a dog that doesn't like to be grabbed at by hoards of strangers the worst catastrophe since WWII? Think of how many germs and potential diseases you're keeping out of your home! Unless you never kiss your dog, and you bathe him every single day, I fail to see why it's such a bad thing that your puppy doesn't want to be touched by strangers. I might be exaggerating a little, but really, isn't it a good thing that your dog wants to be completely loyal and devoted to you? I think a shy dog can be pretty cute! And hey, dog nappers ain't got no chance with Fido!

And I am SO SAD that you actually want to abandon a dog you raised from puppyhood just because he's shy. We teach our kids to not talk to strangers; why would we force a dog TO love strangers? If you didn't sound so young I'd suggest that you adopt another dog since it's so important for you to have a "social" dog - an adult that you know likes strangers. Who knows, maybe Doggie B will show Doggie A that strangers aren't so bad after all. But really, there are enough homeless dogs out there without adding in a perfectly sweet-sounding puppy to the statistics.

[Sarah83]

Just because someone has a dog that appears friendly and confident doesn't mean they don't have problems with them. Rupert is wonderful with people yet if it's not human he attempts to kill it and in some cases has succeeded. That is a MUCH bigger problem than a dog who politely avoids being petted by strangers. I've lost count of the number of times I've been told I shouldn't have a "vicious" dog out in public because he's had a pop at a dog that's been allowed to just run up to him.

[Liv]

One of the ladies at the rescue I work with has a dog who doesnt like to be petted. He wears a 'Please dont pet me' vest. People assume he is a service dog at work and are happy with that.

Getting rid of your dog because he/ she doesnt like to be petted by strangers is sad. My dog doesnt much like being petted by strangers. I take it as a huge compliment that she is happy to be with me when she is so fussy about people. She brings so much to our lives that I wouldnt swap her for the world.

[Jack Monzon]

yes, it is true people do say rude things about my dog and it is hurtful.

I know the feeling. I get it too. Just keep in mind that your dog isn't hurt by their words, and couldn't care less what they're saying. She's just happy being left alone. *We* let the people's rude comments affect *us*.

[runlikethewind]

Cinnywatches - you posted here for the first time last year - August 2010. The same people at the time replied with the same advice which they are giving now.

It is personally incredibly frustrating to sit here and read your one line responses over the months to all the advice that has been given to you for your dog. Are you actually willing to accept the dog you have and build her confidence around people at her pace or not because I personally feel I am wasting my time.