Vent!

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Erica
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Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:35 pm
Location: North Carolina

Re: Vent!

Post by Erica »

The sofa weighs about 600 pounds (it's an old, very solidly constructed fold-out-bed sofa with lots of wood and metal in it) and doesn't fit through doorways; the storage room is upstairs. If/when it leaves it will be through a window, and it will only be leaving when someone else is taking it. :/ Believe me, if that were an option I would have done it myself already!
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14
Fundog
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Re: Vent!

Post by Fundog »

:( oh, darn. That's too bad.
If an opportunity comes to you in life, say yes first, even if you don't know how to do it.
Erica
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Location: North Carolina

Re: Vent!

Post by Erica »

I'm still shaking from it but some possible...well, honestly, I don't know if I would call it good news, but it's an update. Today she started laying into me (verbally) while I was getting some cereal. I just did not even want to start with her so I just said nothing, didn't even look at her. Dad heard her start talking to me and walked in because her aggressive tone of voice is unmistakable and he was going to tell her to stop. He said about two words before she started yelling at him, and progressed to yelling "Hit me! Hit me! I'll call social services! I'll call the ****ing police!" while he's just standing there trying to get a word in about how no, she wasn't going to throw away my stuff because she wanted to change the house (that she's leaving in under two months) around.

So after that he said he's going to give her a deadline to set up a psych appointment or leave the house. I'm going this morning (so I can leave Delta at Maddie's house) to get a locking doorknob for my door, because either way it might be a few days and I do not trust her and I can't leave Delta at the house with her alone and not be sick to my stomach with anxiety. I'll also block off the area around the bottom of the door because I will freely admit that when it comes to Delta, I am a bit paranoid. My life has improved in quality so much just from his existence and the thought of her harming him leads me to thoughts that would land me in jail to act on. :lol:

I'm also going to get my dad some of his favorite toffee because he's been staying home to keep an eye on her as much as he can. And honestly, I wish we could help her, because of all the possible paths for her to fall onto in this state none of them are good, but everyone in her life has been kindly advising her to get psychiatric help for the problems that developed during and after her substance abuse, but she still holds onto the delusion that she's totally normal, that getting so angry so often for such small reasons is perfectly common, that...being unable to sleep because a room you don't even have to see is messy is not a sign that something is wrong. I think Dad's been getting more insistent on this point lately too but she still refuses to examine her own behavior.

Most of her problem with me is that I live in this house and am not currently in college...because college is really expensive and I watched her and our other sister go to college and get degrees they never use, because while our parents paid for a lot of her college we don't have that money anymore and I have to actually take that debt on myself a bit, and I want to be sure it's a good plan before I commit to anything. She hasn't bothered to ask about my plans (not that I'd tell her now anyways), which were put on hold because I quickly realized I wouldn't have the energy to deal with her and keep up with the things involved at the same time, but I have finally actually found a viable career path for me and my various brain quirks*, and a "meanwhile" job type that will help pay while I sort out what I'll do beforehand. Soon the people I nanny for will be able to get along on a day-to-day basis without me so I won't feel guilty reducing that to just an occasional tutoring kind of deal, so the time is right to move along.

*Occasional, unpredictable short intervals of being completely unable to comprehend verbal communication and difficulty understanding verbal communication in anything but close to ideal conditions, combined with the large difficulty I have in verbally communicating clearly, put a lot of potential careers in the trash bin. I know the causes of these and there isn't anything that can help with the former, while the meds I've previously tried for the latter didn't help much and the side effects were not good.

Mostly sad, a bit hopeful, still kind of scared. There's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, though, and I'm looking forward to a lot of upcoming events. This too shall pass.
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14
JudyN
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Re: Vent!

Post by JudyN »

((((((Erica))))))
Jasper, lurcher, born December 2009
MPbandmom
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Re: Vent!

Post by MPbandmom »

))))))))))Erica((((((((((

Keep hanging in there.
Grammy to Sky and Sirius, who came to live with me, stole my heart, and changed my life forever as I took over their care and learned how to be a dog owner.
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Nettle
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Re: Vent!

Post by Nettle »

Counting the days with you, Erica :wink:
A dog is never bad or naughty - it is simply being a dog

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jacksdad
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Re: Vent!

Post by jacksdad »

Erica wrote:I'll also block off the area around the bottom of the door because I will freely admit that when it comes to Delta, I am a bit paranoid.
It is NOT EVER paranoid to try and not underestimate crazy.

hang in there
Shalista
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Re: Vent!

Post by Shalista »

I'm so sorry Erica that sucks =( speaking as someone who currently lives with crazy and used to be THE crazy..... It can get better? Just protect yourself (and Delta) and batten down the hatches.

Highly recommend that lock =)

Also if it helps, remember when she starts going off on you that it may be the crazy talking, that that's not really her. I did some pretty terrible things to my family before i got treatment but i love my family 110% and would do anything for them now.

idk, maybe it's worse knowing your old sister is in there somewhere.

I still struggle with my sister, especially since she doesn't take ownership of her illness and actively try to work with it, but when she's a total *** i try to look past it and see her outside of her illness. sometimes it helps :(

Hope it all works out *hugs* it does get better!
Baxter (AKA Bax, Chuckles, Chuckster) Rat Terrier, born 01/16/13
JudyN
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Re: Vent!

Post by JudyN »

Jasper, you are SIX! I really thought you'd grown out of digging holes in the middle of the lawn! :evil:
Jasper, lurcher, born December 2009
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Nettle
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Re: Vent!

Post by Nettle »

But Mummy - there was a vole :?
A dog is never bad or naughty - it is simply being a dog

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
MPbandmom
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Re: Vent!

Post by MPbandmom »

More of a whine than a vent.

I have a grandchild who lives very close to me with her parents, other grand parents, and a great grand parent. The child wants for nothing. I have an open invitation to visit any time, yet I rarely go visit.

My boss happened to see the grandchild and parents the other day and after speaking with them came back to the office to tell me what a lousy grandmother I am and how I am just crazy about the dogs. Oldest recently asked if I would retire to watch his progeny and I said no. Apparently boss and other son agreed that I would be more likely to retire if someone asked me to watch their dogs. Ummmm no. OH is retired, if he wants to watch children or dogs that is up to him. I have to keep working as long as possible to get to a financial place where retirement won't consist of eating pet food.

I've been pretty bummed about it for days. I think about going and visiting grandchild, but other things just seem more pressing. I am also really not all that comfortable with visiting at the other house. Grandchild can't come here because mother and other grandmother are highly allergic to cats with other grandmother also likely being allergic to the dogs. Not sure if it was the dogs themselves or the fact that they live with a cat. Odds seem high that grandchild should avoid a catamanated environment, plus grandchild and Sirius would have to be kept separated.

I have toyed with the idea of taking her along on some of our walks with the dogs, but I don't have a means of transporting her and the invitation was never issued to come and take her out somewhere whenever we would like. This also adds in dog management issues. She is a bit on the shy side and it takes her a while to warm up to people. The one time we babysat for her after her parents left, she was fine and sat snuggled on my lap just about the whole time. I'm not sure she would be as fine if I took her off somewhere away from her family where she wasn't in a familiar environment nor with familiar people. She is not quite 2 years old.

I think my biggest hang up is that I don't feel connected to the child. There are so many things that I would do with her if she were my child, that I don't feel I have a right to do with somebody else's child. Or things that I did with my children, that I no longer have the equipment to do, or no longer have the physical capacity to do. People also seem to miss the fact that the dogs are my first grandchildren. The dogs don't live with other parents, grandparents, and a great grandparent. They live with me. They count on OH and me for their care, feeding, entertainment, and exercise.

Just this evening, OH harnessed the dogs for a walk while I was getting things together upstairs. As soon as they were harnessed, both dogs came running upstairs to find me and let me know they were ready to go. That hits my happy spot. Going to visit at somebody else's house and watch my grandchild sit on her mother's lap just doesn't have the same impact and I really don't know how to work out having a relationship with the child that doesn't involve neglecting (or feeling like I am neglecting ) the dogs in some manner. Come fall grandchild and all will be moving much farther away, so odds and opportunities of being able to see her and work out a relationship with her will diminish further. :( :cry:
Grammy to Sky and Sirius, who came to live with me, stole my heart, and changed my life forever as I took over their care and learned how to be a dog owner.
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Nettle
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Re: Vent!

Post by Nettle »

I hear your vent/whine and would be exactly the same. What you are saying is that it is courteous to see you as your own person who has made your own decisions about your life, as they have about theirs. You are not a part-time employee to pick up the slack of their decision to have children, any more than you expect them to drop everything, shut their children away and come and dogsit for you (such convenient allergies). It's thoughtlessness rather than selfishness, I expect, because they have no notion of your/your husband's physical constraints. It's also communication :wink: because they are never going to understand if you don't spell it out. Whether you can be bothered to do so is up to you. I have no end of bitter friends who thought they had discharged their social obligations and could at last do things they want, who have become full-time babysitters and will never have a life of their own. But they should speak up, shouldn't they?

Your dogs are not surrogate anything - they are your dogs and your first loyalty is to them. Making their life crap to allow someone else freedom was never on the agenda.

Your grandchild is two. Kids are contrary little thugs, and in her own time she will choose to see you on her and your terms, but now isn't that time. If however you think she would like a walk with your dogs, state your boundaries - parents can deliver her and take her back at a time convenient to you, or meet you and the dogs wherever. Then you have your together time and parents take her home.
A dog is never bad or naughty - it is simply being a dog

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
Suzette
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Re: Vent!

Post by Suzette »

A few relationships have been strained over the years because I was never willing to treat my animals (dogs, cats, horses) like accessories in my life and put them aside for some family/friend activities. If it didn't negatively affect them, I happily participated, if it wasn't in their best interest to leave them at that time, I didn't. I jut chalk it up to some folks get it, some don't - that my animals are a priority in my life. But I figure that those who think my pets are far down the responsibility scale aren't worth my time anyway even if I happen to be related to them. Thankfully those closest to me (my sisters and dearest friends) get it and respect it.

But MPBandmom, what bothered me most about your post is that your boss and the child's parents talked about you behind your back, then your boss chastised and judged you for your decisions. Shame on all of them! That was rude and disrespectful. We spend endless amounts of time, effort, energy, money and tons of love to get our kids grown into independent, responsible adults. Now it's your time to live your life in the way that you choose and that makes you happy. I commend you for that.
My avatar is Piper, my sweet Pembroke Corgi. b. 5/11/11
MPbandmom
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Re: Vent!

Post by MPbandmom »

Thank you Nettle and Suzette,

I have perhaps confused things a little. Oldest was the one asking if I would retire and watch his progeny, of which he doesn't have any yet Well at least not any that I have or will likely ever meet. (another matter of dismay as son 2 also mentioned to boss that oldest reportedly recently learned of a daughter. This would be potentially child 2. The first child that was credited to him, he felt was done so falsely. The matter was apparently not pursued by the reporting party. The first was told to us by oldest. We have yet to hear anything from oldest in reference to the reported daughter.) That tidbit of information got added to the lecture about being a lousy grandmother. Really, what am I to do with this information? If I confront oldest, he will surely know the news came from son 2 and those two are finally getting along the past few years for about the first time since son 2 was born. Confronting oldest doesn't mean I will likely in any way have any relationship with the child because that would depend on whatever arrangements oldest and child's mother would work out. Since oldest hasn't said anything to us about it as of yet, there doesn't seem to be anything to hope for in that area.

Oldest seems to have now settled and matured with wife and they are thinking of starting a family of their own. My children were watched by my parents. However that only occurred because my parents happened to have been forced into early retirement by disability. Oldest thought that was a good arrangement for them and that I should follow suit. I don't believe he had all the facts behind how that came about however. He has been filled in on those details.

Grandchild who I have the open invitation to visit is the progeny of son 2. They have no need of child care except in a rare instance where all members of the household have an event to attend which does not allow children. We did watch grandchild one evening while her family went to a no children allowed wedding. In a way, I think that is a large part of my disconnect with grandchild. She has everything she could possibly want and is surrounded by loving relatives. I have been told repeatedly that she doesn't need anything from us. I have done a couple of hand made items for her because how else is her family to be able to tell her that this item is from your other grandmother? How else do I exist in her knowledge unless I go and sit in her house while she sits in her mother's lap, which doesn't seem like much of an existence to me?

But yes, to take her anywhere would likely require the involvement and participation of her parents or other grandparents. Our vehicles are older They don't have the safety rating and child car seat equipment that newer cars have. Plus all of our vehicles have been occupied by the dogs and Sky sheds constantly. With other grandmother being allergic to the dogs, and my dogs reportedly being furry allergens, (that according to my own daughter) it seems too risky to put grandchild into a vehicle which could trigger severe allergies.
Grammy to Sky and Sirius, who came to live with me, stole my heart, and changed my life forever as I took over their care and learned how to be a dog owner.
Erica
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Re: Vent!

Post by Erica »

What's the nice way to tell your sister that her dogs are so overweight you can't tell if they're bloating or just fat? (I did eventually feel fairly confident that Marble isn't currently experiencing gastrointestinal distress. Still, her sheer size doesn't help.) Definitely dropping the portion size a bit while I'm taking care of them...

Also, while Jax gets along well with Delta on walks and at our house, at J's house he's a bit grumbly. May need to make arrangements so that I keep Delta at Sofi's house instead of Jax's and Marble's. Youngest sister (one of the nice ones) is helping me by staying at Sofi's - but she may be persuaded to stay here instead, because I don't think Delta will get good, peaceful rest here. J and M are in the bedroom together, but Delta and I will sleep on the couch. Best way I can figure to balance it - J and M have each other and the familiar bedtime place, but are minus their people; Delta has me, but is in a strange house with strange noises (sugar gliders make weird sounds, whether they're vocalizing or playing on their toys).

And number three - need to find some way to make post-grooming feel less weird to Delta. After a groom apparently everything is prickly in his armpits and such. :/ Maybe I'll just do it weekly with a short clip guard so it doesn't get long but doesn't have to be cut so short? Ideas greatly welcomed - he always seems fairly jumpy and twitchy after a groom where I cut anything but between his pawpads short.

Going to bed now, at any rate. Fingers crossed it works out well enough for now!
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14
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