Difficult decisions

[bendog]

My boyfriend and I are looking at buying our first house and moving out of his parents where we have spent the last 3 years.
This leaves us with the tough decision of which dogs to take with us.

Bendog is mine, I've had him since I was 13 years old and he would come to the end of the world with me. There is no doubt he is moving with us.

But Sasha and Poppy (the puppy) are technically my boyfriends parents dogs, despite us providing most of their care.

My boyfriends mum has decided she wants us to take Sasha because she's basically fed up of her because she's a very unhappy dog and suffers from horrendous skin allergies. I'm happy to take Sash, and I've tried not to interfere too much thus far in her allergy treatment or training (ha...what training...shes 6 years old and still not housetrained...she'll sit and thats it) but obviously if she become ours I would have a lot more say and would put in the time and effort to work with her, take her off the steroids and to see a proper holistic vet etc. She's snappy, barky, virtually deaf from all her ear infections, but I'm confident she'd be a happier dog with us in the long run.

The puppy is the tricky one. On the one hand I don't believe my boyfriends parents should own any dog at all...his Mums disabled so can't walk them, and a young active terrier is not going to be easy to deal with if she's not exercised enough. Secondly I've already been worried by how they treat the dogs, they love them and would never hurt them, or use aversive training...just the opposite, they don't train the dog at all...from what I've heard their previous dogs have all had "issues", been essentially untrained, allowed to wee and poo in the kitchen, been snappy and growly, and ran away regularly.

I've seen them pick the puppy up when she's obviously not wanted to be picked up, grab her collar whilst she's been struggling to get away, shout at her for stealing food (which they shouldn't be leaving on the floor anyway!) , theres also a toddler lives in the house and he often scares the pup...and whilst I know she is "their" puppy, its hard to leave her with them when I KNOW she won't be walked regularly and won't be listened to, they also don't believe in "spoiling" the dog by making cardboard toys etc for them, and don't use Kong toys or anything.

Thirdly..the pup is very bonded to me ( I didn't mean it to happen, but I walk her, train her, and she sleeps on my bed so it was kind of inevitable), more seriously the pup is also very bonded to Bendog, she's never been an "only dog" and whilst Bendog would be quite happy on his own, I think she would miss him.

But...my boyfriend and I would be out at work/Uni for most of the day, and whilst thats fine for the older two dogs, its not ideal for the pup. At least at my boyfriends Mums there is someone in all day, even though she doesn't get out of bed until past midday.

Anyone else find it really hard to see people not taking care of their pets as well as they could be? I get so angry because his mum clearly believes she knows best when it comes to dogs because she's owned a few, but some of her ideas are so outdated and she just won't listen. I'd be happy to leave the puppy if I knew she'd be well cared for, she was never my dog to begin with, but its hard to leave her when I know she'll be ignored.

[Nettle]

Ideal situations are rare, and we have to make the best of the available options.

My feeling is that if you take the puppy, your B/F's parents will get another. If you don't, they may decide to do more with the puppy - or they may suggest you take the puppy after a few weeks of you having the others.

Left all day isn't ideal for a puppy, but they grow up fast, and there are options you could take for providing daycare/company. Left in the wrong company can be every bit as bad as left with no company. But pup will still have dog company if she comes with you.

In your place, I'd take the obvious two and see what transpires about the pup. You'll have enough work with housetraining and sorting out the allergies, and a bit of space without the pup might be very helpful to you.

Congratulations on your own home at last!

[Suzette]

My feeling is that if you take the puppy, your B/F's parents will get another.

That was my very first thought too.

I think Nettle has given you some very sound advice Bendog. I also wonder if you can't find some sort of middle ground here. If you leave the dog (could you even take her if you wanted to? Would the BF's parents allow it?) perhaps once you were settled in your new home you could have the puppy over to your house for playdates with the other two dogs a few times a week. If you're close enough, maybe even stop and take her along on some of your walks.

As Nettle says, ideal situations are rare indeed, but you might be able to find ways to give the this dog some structure, fun and training while she still lives with the parents if it would give you peace of mind to do so.

Good luck - and congrats on your new home!!

[bendog]

Thanks Nettle and Suzette...and sorry everyone for the rant!

We thought about leaving the pup with them for a month or two and then making the decision, but that might be even more unsettling for her. My hunch is that if she pines excessively for me/doggy company then his Mum will concede defeat and let us have her though. I also think that when they realise how hard work she actually is then they might quickly get sick of looking after her since at the moment I do most of the work. My boyfriend put the puppy in his parents bedroom whilst they were still asleep (at about 11.30am) the other morning as we were going out. It wasn't a success! Definately worked to wake them up...but puppy ended up plonked on her rear end outside their door again pretty sharpish!

We also considered buying my boyfriends parents an older dog, that is already housetrained etc and won't need as much exercise so we can take the pup. Selfish of us, and perhaps unfair on the other dog, but I think that at least an older dog would be easier for them to cope with than a pup. And it would be happier than a puppy to sit and watch out of the window most of the day and sleep.

Also...if we are going to leave the pup, should I start now trying to cut my bond with her? I feel it would confuse her if I stop playing with her as much and stop letting her on the bed, but the reality is, when we do go, she'll be sleeping downstairs, not let out for hours on end, and so perhaps I should get her used to it now.

I know ideal situations don't exist. Its just frustrating.
I hate seeing dogs unfairly treated, a family near me has 5 kids and 4 dogs (including 2 young dogs only a couple of years old...a spaniel and a St Bernard!) and I've never seen anyone take any of the dogs for a walk....

[Suzette]

I feel for you! You are in such a tough spot, as is this little pup. Rant away here as you sort it all out. Sometimes it helps.

I'll throw out one other thought, for what it's worth. When making a tough decision, I often, eventually, get a 'gut feeling' on how to proceed even while little doubts might still be running through my mind. But when I go with that gut feeling, I rarely go wrong. When I don't listen to it, I so often truly regret it. So listen to that inner voice of yours and you'll do just fine.

[Ari_RR]

Check with the B/F too, I would think he is as much a part of this as you and his parents . In the end, you are all in this together, dogs and humans of all kinds and ages. The decision that everyone agrees to or at least accepts may be beneficial for all involved.

[Flyby]

It'll sound flippant but I mean it seriously, have you thought about getting your BF's parents a cat? They'll get all the company and cuddles they'd get from a dog, but a cat would be much more independant and better able to look after itself in the circumstances you describe. I know they might be doggy people, but I'd rather have a happy cat which didn't need the attention I couldn't give it anyway than a dog I can't look after properly with 'issues' which I've created.

It is difficult. My mother hated not having a dog, but she just can't look after one. She loves to see my two boys now and then, and otherwise makes do with periodic visits from a neighbours cat, and has two budgies. I have to confess, for the first 3 or 4 months, gulp, and three or four budgies, I was worried this was a bad idea. (The budgies didn't die, but got moved back where they came from before they did die), but now she's better with them and they even get out of the cage. Budgies aren't really my thing, but she's happy and so are they these days, but I still think she appreciates the cat popping in best of all, not least because he's 0% work for a cuddle.

My point is, she'd love a dog but knows she just can't look after one. The quest was finding a suitable alternative.

[Fundog]

It'll sound flippant but I mean it seriously, have you thought about getting your BF's parents a cat?

That's what I was thinking: it sounds like they would be much more suited for a cat! (The cat could even be trained to use the toilet, so they would never have to bother with a litter box)

[emmabeth]

I am a soft touch, I would take her - on the understanding that they DO NOT get another dog, at all. I would also ask that they contribute to her insurance costs or food costs or something, as THEY decided to buy her they ought to have some degree of responsibility. (Get them to cough up for daycare or a dog walker whilst you are out?).

[bendog]

Thanks everyone.
Boyf has decided we are taking all three dogs whether his parents like it or not lol

Flyby...she has 9 guinea pigs already to keep her busy, she's definately not a cat person though. Maybe add a few more guinea pigs to keep her happy! I do agree the house is not the right environment for any dog, especially with the toddler too.

Of course if we take all three then that raises a whole lot of new issues and would be a lot harder work than just taking my Ben, especially with all Sasha's issues (which I will have to pester you all for advice and help with!).
But emmabeth, I'm clearly a soft touch too!

[minkee]

I think you're making the right choice, because to leave any behind would make you have to face a lot of 'if only...'s as time progressed and you saw them not getting the care they needed.

Good luck with it all!

[ClareMarsh]

I was going to say that I'm pretty convinced that even if you didn't take Pup with you it wouldn't be long before you ended up with her. How fab is your boyfriend, gotta love a man that takes charge and sorts things out for the best. Horay for Mr Bendog

[Fundog]

I was going to say that I'm pretty convinced that even if you didn't take Pup with you it wouldn't be long before you ended up with her. How fab is your boyfriend, gotta love a man that takes charge and sorts things out for the best. Horay for Mr Bendog

Amen! Three cheers for Mr. Bendog!

[bendog]

Just to update this: House is bought and mortgage is agreed so we are just waiting to move in in the new year.

BF's mum has agreed we can take Poppy for the bargain price of £300! - as if we didn't have enough expenses with moving (and they only paid £100 for her in the first place. However since she has agreed that she has used every opportunity to make us feel guilty for "stealing her puppy", uses everytime we moan about her as evidence that we don't want to take her anymore, manipulates situations so that Poppy has to stay away from us (by shutting doors so she can't get upstairs to our room) in the hope that she'll stop liking us, and has threatened to "stick her on ebay" :/
So I'm not going to believe Pops is coming with us until she's actually moved in, though as she's got bigger and more boisterous and is still weeing in the house I think BF's Mum is fed up of her now, and realised that she can't keep her. Especially as Pops is now also getting nippy with the toddler like Sasha was/is.

I'm still completely fed up with the whole situation.

If I was going to do what was best for ME, then I'd only keep Bendog. He's the only one thats "mine" and the best behaved, he's totally house trained and content and quiet on his own in the house during the day. I wouldn't have to do anything much except walk him, play with him, and do little bits of training reinforcement each day. I suspect Ben would be happier as an only dog too.

However, whats best for the DOGS, is for us to take them all. Even though it means a heck of a lot of work for me. I'm doing long hours at Uni at the moment. And boyfriend and I have arranged the dog walking so that I walk all three in the morning (Ben and Poppy together and then Sash) about 7am for half an hour and then he walks them all again when he comes home at 4pm for another half hour or so. We then take them out together at night about 9 or 10pm for a quick 10 mins round the block. They get a longer walk at weekends.

This schedule works well, but doesn't factor in all the extra time that is needed for Poppys socialisation and house training, Sasha's training etc. Not to mention the money for Sash's vet treatment which is money we don't have, but will have to find from somewhere!

I didn't want a puppy at all. I know I don't have time for one. But I still think she's be better with us than left to go the same way as Sasha.
And at least she'll have the other dogs to keep her company during the day.

[Nettle]

Life's decisions are endlessly tricky. I feel for you. I also think your Ma-in-law has a ruddy nerve. If it wasn't for keeping the peace, I'd be invoicing her for all the work you've done with her dogs

This will be better looked back on than gone through. And this is the worst it will get. Pup will grow up and be better behaved, Sash will be happier too. You will never look back and think 'I wish I'd taken all the dogs and then (whatever) would never have happened'.

VITAL that you get a bill of sale and change of ownership document from MIL. Draft out two copies and make sure she signs.