The Funnies Thread...

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Sanna
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by Sanna » Tue Sep 17, 2013 5:32 am

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I didn't notice the book title at first.. When I did it made this pic about the funniest thing ever :lol:

Sanna
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by Sanna » Tue Sep 17, 2013 5:40 am

And just one more cos I'm on a roll here.. Giggling away to myself :lol: the expression on that poor dogs face!

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JudyN
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by JudyN » Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:52 pm

On the first day, God created the Greyhound.

On the second day, God created man to serve the Greyhound.

On the third day, God created the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the Greyhound.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the Greyhound.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the Greyhound could or could not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Greyhound healthy and the man broke. (AMEN!!!)

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the Greyhound……

(Unknown author)



On the eighth day, God believeth that He was done, but Lo! The Garden of Eden was full of Greyhound poop and craters. Adam & Eve, having been banished from the garden, no longer dwelleth therein to serve the Greyhound, so it came to pass that He had to clean the mess up Himself. And God was displeased.



On the ninth day, God sayeth unto the Heavens, "Who hath dominion here, me or the Greyhound?



On the tenth day, God came upon the Greyhound cockroached on His throne and abideth there unmoving, despite all His beseeching.

And so it came to pass that God had his answer. He then sayeth unto Moses, "Fine! You’re in charge now. Here’s my ten commandments. You deal with the Greyhound! I’m retiring to Miami Beach!



And Moses convinced the Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of bondage in Egypt and journey to the Promised Land. God sayeth unto Moses, "The Promised Land shall be yours, but you must take the Greyhound with you.



And so it came to pass that the Israelites wandered for 40 years in the wilderness, waiting for the Greyhound to go potty, mark every bush and sniff every blade of grass in its domain.



And the Greyhound was fruitful and multiplied.



The people were taken by the comliness and manner of the Greyhound, but they were sorely distressed. "Lord" they cried out, "The Greyhound is an attractive and sweet creature, but there are so many, what shall we do?"



And God sayeth unto the people, "Ye are a cursed people and shall be known as adopters! Thy yards shall be barren of grass. Thy dwellings shall overflow with dog beds, squeaky toys and Greyhound kitsch. Thy carpets shall be forever stained. Thy vet bills shalt be large and thy lives forever ordered around by the Greyhound. And thy minds shall be muddled, as thou shalt treat thy Greyhounds as thy do your human offspring."



And Adopters begat Chippers. And Chippers begat Fosters. And Fosters begat Adoption Groups. And Adoption Groups begat Discussion Lists. And Discussion Lists begat Gatherings. And Gatherings begat Vendors. And Vendors begat a wardrobe for the Greyhound. And the Greyhound was spoiled.



God looked down on this and was pleased.



(Brett Weeks.)
Jasper, lurcher, born December 2009

JudyN
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by JudyN » Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:58 pm

Oh, this is brilliant :lol:



Sleeping with Dogs



I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a
cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out. Now I myself having 3 dogs consider myself at the proficient level.


To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There
is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that
before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.


I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs
spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an
statement of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" principle". It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held
tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip:

When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES! A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).

Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.

When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A
DOG. (Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the
cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly. This entire technique still
needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep
while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.

(author unknown)
Jasper, lurcher, born December 2009

Erica
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Location: North Carolina

Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by Erica » Sun Oct 13, 2013 4:03 pm

Why couldn't you have posted that three days ago? :lol:
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14

bendog
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by bendog » Mon Oct 14, 2013 3:36 am

Fantastic!!
A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).
I can confirm that the "way out of this trap" involves the flexibility of a yogi, and the stealth of a ninja as you have to slowly and carefully draw one leg up to your chin so you can squeeze it back down on the same side as your other leg. Unfortunately you then sacrifice your 3 inches of wiggle room so can't move again for the rest of the night! :lol:

Erica
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by Erica » Mon Oct 14, 2013 7:39 pm

This entire blog is funny (though sometimes nsfw), but the linked post has a few special gems...
Dear Dog Snobs,

I just started dating a really nice guy who seems perfect, except that he doesn’t particularly like dogs. He doesn’t actively dislike them, but he has taken no interest in my own dog (who is the best thing EVER) and seems annoyed when I stop to say hi to cute dogs when we are out and about. Is this a deal-breaker? What would you do?

–Jenn L.

Wait? You have a date? Is he a serial killer? No? Then what is your problem? Go for it. We would. Ok, fine, we guess you want a real answer. Is it a deal-breaker? It depends. If you don’t need a partner who obsesses over dogs like you do, it could work out. Plus, maybe only having one crazy dog owner is a good thing and could bring some balance to the relationship. But, if you are dead set on having a boyfriend who will discuss dog poop consistency at length with you (swoon), this probably isn’t your guy. We can’t really answer this for you, but we can provide you with this lovely image while you mull it over.
Made me laugh :D
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14

gwd
Posts: 1958
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by gwd » Tue Oct 15, 2013 5:37 pm

bendog wrote:Fantastic!!
A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).
I can confirm that the "way out of this trap" involves the flexibility of a yogi, and the stealth of a ninja as you have to slowly and carefully draw one leg up to your chin so you can squeeze it back down on the same side as your other leg. Unfortunately you then sacrifice your 3 inches of wiggle room so can't move again for the rest of the night! :lol:
I can also confirm that this maneuver can go horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.

there are many downsides of being a 'mature' woman that come with the reduction of estrogen. ..........the onset of a hamstring leg cramp while drawing your leg up to your chin, becomes the very opposite of ninja. there's just no getting around the yelp that comes with searing pain of a full on hammy cramp. trust me, any weird kind of noise WILL elicit a full on pounce on your head by the formerly sleeping dog.

your situation goes from bad to worse.........where you might have just been mildly uncomfortable from sleeping in the same position, you've now got searing, toe curling hamstring cramp that requires you to immediately get up and walk it off........however, you've also got a 50lb dog laying across your head that prevents you from getting free. any muffled (muffled of course because your dog is laying across your face) sounds further convince the dog that you're enjoying being smothered.

don't think that your OH will get away unscathed. flaying hind dog paws seem to have a built in radar missile lock to target unprotected scrotums. nothing like a shot to the boys to ruin a mans sleep.

consider this a cautionary tale...........sometimes it's best to just lay there and be uncomfortable and hope the dog eventually moves.
Image

Erica
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by Erica » Tue Oct 15, 2013 7:10 pm

I tried to extricate myself to a more comfortable position last night (my knees hate being straight - gotta be a little crouched). Well, I got free of the dog-trap and then realized the bed was so small that there was no more room. I was curled in super fetal position on the pillows, which was not gonna work for the three remaining sleeping hours.

So I got off the bed and asked doggies to hop off for a second. Thank goodness they're responsive to "off." If not, plan b was getting liver treats from the kitchen. ;)

Also, as awful as that situation sounds gwd...I did have to laugh a little.
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14

wvvdiup1
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by wvvdiup1 » Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:48 pm

This isn't anything about dogs, but it is funny nonetheless! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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"Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius." -author unknown

jacksdad
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by jacksdad » Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:34 pm

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

MPbandmom
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Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by MPbandmom » Thu Oct 31, 2013 9:06 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Grammy to Sky and Sirius, who came to live with me, stole my heart, and changed my life forever as I took over their care and learned how to be a dog owner.

DianeLDL
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Location: Maine USA

Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by DianeLDL » Thu Oct 31, 2013 9:39 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Needed a good laugh! Jacksdad, I love the play in words. :lol: :lol:
We are now in Mt. View at the Moffett Navy Lodge! It has been a long and difficult day.
Laughter is still the best medicine. :lol:
Diane
Sandy, Chihuahua mix b. 12/20/09

jacksdad
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Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 10:48 pm

Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by jacksdad » Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:32 am

DianeLDL wrote::lol: :lol: :lol:

Needed a good laugh! Jacksdad, I love the play in words. :lol: :lol:
We are now in Mt. View at the Moffett Navy Lodge! It has been a long and difficult day.
Laughter is still the best medicine. :lol:
Diane
Good to see that the Navy still takes care of it's misguided children :mrgreen:

Erica
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Location: North Carolina

Re: The Funnies Thread...

Post by Erica » Fri Nov 01, 2013 8:26 pm

Here's a video of a tiny mouse trying to get a huge cracker up a ledge. Super cute if you like mice! :D
Delta, standard poodle, born 6/30/14

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