Hello all,
Im Lucie, im new and joined because I feel a little alone in the sense that I dont know many people that train their dogs positively, I feel so strongly about this and find it very disheartening sometimes.
Sorry for the long post!
Anyway the problem..
My partner and I have a beautiful 1 year old Collie that we have owned since 8 weeks. My partner grew up with dogs so has always been around them, I grew up on a small holding, no dogs but have trained my horses using positive methods and for me, all animals should have kind, caring, considerate interations with us.
My partner and I clashed from the second night with our pup, partner wanted to leave him to cry as he believed pup would be dominant over humans if he was attended to (Something he had read somewhere) and also his parents ALWAYS left their dogs to cry and they learnt not to do it, his parents happen to own our boys litter mate and they told my partner how they were getting sleep already, whereas our boy was still unsettled.
We had huge arguments because I was not happy to leave him to cry, had crate in our room and he was not happy and neither was I.
I slept on the sofa next to our puppy with puppy pads near the door and he settled straight away, no crying, he was happy, I was happy. I managed to steer my partner in the right direction and together we watched 'Its me or the dog' etc and things seemed to click with my partner, he grew up with parents that didnt use positive methods, and it didnt occur to him that there was other ways of doing things.
I am finding things somewhat difficult with partners parents, they own two dogs themselves and whenever we visit them they always get smacked or shouted at, or told off for jumping on the sofas, they constantly seem to change the rules e.g one week the dogs may be allowed on the sofas, the next week not. Or they will talk about their dogs being "naughty" when they havent done anything other than be dogs!
I find it extremely stressful and upsetting to be around them, I wont go out for walks with my partners parents and the dogs. My partner knows how I feel about this, but it is somewhat difficult, I tell him I dont like the way they treat their dogs and he tells me that he doesnt agree with the way they treat them either, but that the dogs are happy and it shouldn't effect my realtionship with them. But it really does!
The problem is I do not trust my partners parents with our dog unless one of us is there too. My partner says that his parents respect the way we want to look after our dog, and that they wont hit him, but this is not good enough for me, I dont believe for a second that if the dogs did something they believed to be "naughty" that they wouldnt just punish their dog and not ours.They also have lots of very boistrous grandchildren that visit on a regular basis and im not happy for them to be toddling around with my boy about.
My partner wants us to be able to leave our boy with them, e.g if we went out for the evening, I am not happy with this.
Our boy is never really left alone anyway, as my partner and I live on a small holding and my parents also live on the property, my parents are really kind and gentle with our boy. However I know my partner sees it as my parents are trusted and his are not.
I love my partner, we have been together for 8 years, but our dog will always come first to me (I know its not like that for everyone, but I have always put my animals first!)
Has anyone else had these kind of problems, or get stressed by this kind of thing, or is it just me?
Lucie x
Dog parenting differences and dealing with those that dont train positively
Moderators: emmabeth, BoardHost
Re: Dog parenting differences and dealing with those that dont train positively
I can totally understand where you're coming from, and well done on converting your boyfriend without falling out!
If you suspect your dog would be smacked or shouted at if left with his parents, I would stick to your guns. It probably wouldn't be good for him to be there when the other dogs are treated like this anyway as he would be bound to sense the tension. It is also dangerous for children to be boisterous with dogs - how would your dog react if one stuck their finger in his eye or trod on his tail? If he bit or snapped, which many dogs would, the outcome could be very bad for him.
I would firmly but calmly explain this to your BF and, if necessary, his parents. Don't be drawn into a row. Everyone is different, and they may think you are odd and unreasonable but we're all allowed to be odd and unreasonable at times
However, I would make a big effort to turn a blind eye to how his parents treat their dogs. There's nothing you can do about it, many dogs experience this on a daily basis and don't seem to suffer too much as a result and still enjoy life. Just as they need to accept you and what they see as your foibles, you need to do the same for them, however hard it is to see the dogs treated like that. Of course, you could use any opportunity to drop into conversations what is now known about dog behaviour and training, and demonstrate how well it's worked for your dog and they might just come round to the idea.
If you suspect your dog would be smacked or shouted at if left with his parents, I would stick to your guns. It probably wouldn't be good for him to be there when the other dogs are treated like this anyway as he would be bound to sense the tension. It is also dangerous for children to be boisterous with dogs - how would your dog react if one stuck their finger in his eye or trod on his tail? If he bit or snapped, which many dogs would, the outcome could be very bad for him.
I would firmly but calmly explain this to your BF and, if necessary, his parents. Don't be drawn into a row. Everyone is different, and they may think you are odd and unreasonable but we're all allowed to be odd and unreasonable at times
However, I would make a big effort to turn a blind eye to how his parents treat their dogs. There's nothing you can do about it, many dogs experience this on a daily basis and don't seem to suffer too much as a result and still enjoy life. Just as they need to accept you and what they see as your foibles, you need to do the same for them, however hard it is to see the dogs treated like that. Of course, you could use any opportunity to drop into conversations what is now known about dog behaviour and training, and demonstrate how well it's worked for your dog and they might just come round to the idea.
Jasper, lurcher, born December 2009
Re: Dog parenting differences and dealing with those that dont train positively
Oh you are in good company now! Welcome to the forum!
I basically don't take my dogs near my Dad if I can avoid it and only to places like the pub, not to his house - because his attitude to animals is to hit them and shout at them to get what he wants. He has cats, they run away if he raises his hand, and he truly believes that they 'know when they have done wrong' despite the very clear evidence that demonstrates they just 'know when to avoid him'..
Grinds my gears but despite the fact I am a professional and qualified trainer and dog behaviour consultant, he will not listen to ME in the slightest!
I basically don't take my dogs near my Dad if I can avoid it and only to places like the pub, not to his house - because his attitude to animals is to hit them and shout at them to get what he wants. He has cats, they run away if he raises his hand, and he truly believes that they 'know when they have done wrong' despite the very clear evidence that demonstrates they just 'know when to avoid him'..
Grinds my gears but despite the fact I am a professional and qualified trainer and dog behaviour consultant, he will not listen to ME in the slightest!
West Midlands based 1-2-1 Training & Behaviour Canine Consultant
Re: Dog parenting differences and dealing with those that dont train positively
Hi Lucie, I'm new too.
Definitely stick to your guns, I don't think I would trust someone to look after my dogs if their training and management methods were so different, they may not mean to but they may act on habit and upset your dog. Then you have to go through all the trouble and stress (for you and pup) of sorting the problem.
So glad you are showing your partner the best way to build a good relationship with your new pup and not one built on control and fear.
Manda
Definitely stick to your guns, I don't think I would trust someone to look after my dogs if their training and management methods were so different, they may not mean to but they may act on habit and upset your dog. Then you have to go through all the trouble and stress (for you and pup) of sorting the problem.
So glad you are showing your partner the best way to build a good relationship with your new pup and not one built on control and fear.
Manda
Motivation & Reward stops dogs getting bored 
